Flash Fiction: In Which You Are New Again

I am confused. There is a part of me that still looks at your pictures, that still smiles when you smile, that still cries when you are hurt. There is a part of me (I have hidden it well, you see) that never wanted to leave. There is a part of me that still wonders if we would have ridden our bikes together in the summer like we promised, if we would have visited the museum and exhausted the exhibits, ending in long satisfied kisses in the darkened corner (shh, the animals are watching).

It spirals up out of the depths at the most unusual times. leaving me heartsick and strangely empty – I never had a chance to mourn you, and I must be honest, I am no match for social networking.

And when there is news, oh joyful news that you are happy, finally, inexplicably, I find myself smiling, but only for a moment. The time has come, the walrus said.  And said many other things that do not fit here, but that. Oh that. The time has come. I know it, and again the old feelings bloom in my stomach, creating butterflies that are not supposed to be there.

Scientifically, there is a lack of oxytocin. When I am with him, I feel it all the time, coursing through my brain and releasing a feeling of supreme wonderfulness. I had that with you until I made you go away and now there is only the absence of the happy drug, the chemical. It is withdrawal, it is awareness of my own heart, painfully large within my chest. There is no oxytocin when I see you. Only awareness of what I did.

You are new again. I am happy for you and selfishly sad for myself and my lack of oxytocin. Today, you are new. Hold that and forget about summer, about the museum and dark corners. Forget about the cooking and the long days spent in bed. Forget about that, and forget about the last.

You are new again. I hope that it makes things alright.

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Comments
3 Responses to “Flash Fiction: In Which You Are New Again”
  1. Slamdunk says:

    Well written post.

  2. mmm i really liked this. beautifully written, I had a little smile on my face whilst reading x

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