In Which I am Haunted

And here I thought I was well shot of you. Well the prize for common ignorance goes to me. Because you, you of all people, showed up in my dream last night. A dream of ex boyfriends, ex flirtations, ex…loves.

And in this dream I visit him, with the roommates who drink beer all the time and smell like pot smoke, and he looks so sad to see me. He looks so worn thin, like the sole of an old shoe that you cannot wear anymore. Last time, in real life, he was sad too. But he was angry as well and he left in such an mad rush I thought I’d done something worse to him than just break his heart. Now he’s just…sad. In my dream his roommate is getting married, the deadbeat who I thought would never leave the house unless they made him. And he is happy for his friend, of course, but sad it wasn’t him and I, or just him first.

And I come home, confused and having journeyed such a long time to get there – I walked over the highway and past many desolate people – I saw the other one, the oldest and longest lasting, and I cried until I thought I might vomit but I kept walking even though he begged me to stay.

And when I get home I lay down in my bed, noticing you are in the corner of the room, noticing you’ve waited for me, and I say nothing because I am still so angry with you, still so hurt, still so lost. I don’t even ask why you are here. I simply lay down in my bed and I close my eyes.

I feel the bed shift with your weight – you do not lift up the covers and slide under them, you simply lie on top of them, respectfully. And when you think I am asleep, you hold me close and you say you are sorry, you are so very very sorry and you hold me for a long time, and I breathe you in, hoping to god it isn’t a mistake that you are here.

It won’t happen like that in real life. If it even happens at all, you will be just as hurt as I am because we both wonder and deny what could have been, what could never be. I am not furious anymore, I am not fuming, I am not even irritated. I am woeful and wishing I could fall asleep again, wishing I could go back to that moment when you held me, and everything was simple.

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