In Which I Discover Tarot

She flips the cards slowly, deliberately. Strength. Her eyes light up, as though she’s just made a discovery that she can’t keep to herself. “What this card is trying to tell you is that you want the courage to go after your future. Your heart’s desire is the strength to do the things you need. How interesting.”

Next one, Heirophant:  “Institution. Following the rules. Being confined.” Then, 5 of swords: “Being frustrated by that institution, feeling confined by the rules that you feel forced to follow.” Lastly, the Hangman. She frowns at this last card because it does not hold a joyful message for me: go with the flow. “How interesting. What I get from this card is that you should stop trying to reach your goals for a moment, stop being frustrated that the institution isn’t taking you where you want to go, and just let it happen. Take a break. Hang out in limbo.”

Three major arcana and one minor arcana in the very center of the 1-10 spectrum. My spread is a very symmetrical spread.

And suddenly, a weight has been lifted. I no longer have to feel as though my goals mesh with that of the person I love and live with. I no longer wonder “What will happen to me after I graduate? If I’m not successful now, I have no chance of getting there by that time.” I no longer feel as though I am searching for a place that doesn’t exist – I’m no longer forcing a success that I believe must happen NOW or I will not be satisfied. I will not have  a home.

But I will. And she has made me see this. I remain haunted by this spread all afternoon.

Then, a trip to famous footwear, where I go with the flow and buy 2 pairs of shoes for $20. Sushi dinner with my parents, where I go with the flow and let them pay because I will never be able to afford sushi without them to help me. I go with the flow and end the run of the play I’ve been doing, feeling light. Feeling good.

Then I come home. I go with the flow and I head to the bedroom where I cry and cry and cry and wonder if I’ll ever truly stop.

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